Indrajit S Saluja

My mother, Mohinder Kaur, kept telling me over the phone from India” You will not come to see me. You are too busy”. And each time, I tried to convince her that I would. And she would take a deep sigh and say “Yes, after I am gone”. We were separated for over 7 years during which I did not visit her. I came to the US in 2003, and a quirk of events did not allow me to visit India for the next more than 7years.   It was only in November 2010 that I got my Green Card and was comfortable visiting India.

Somewhere in the beginning of 2010 my mother fell sick which compelled her to curtail her physical activity. Given to an active life which saw her keeping herself busy in domestic chores, she was suddenly pushed into inactivity which made her over the months sicker despite the fact that she was being well looked after by my son Ashish and his wife Madhu. My daughter Jaskiran was very fond of her grandmother, and the grandmother and granddaughter immensely enjoyed each other’s company. My youngest son Chitagam, a very naughty child, of whom my mother was very fond, missed her after joining me in the US. He would often tell me that he would go to see Mataji (my mother was called Mata ji by all children) as soon as he got his Green Card. And that’s what he did. As soon as he got his Green Card in November 2010, he flew to India in early 2011 to be by the side of his ailing grandmother. It did make Mata ji happy. But she was not satisfied with his presence alone. She wanted her most loved son (I am the eldest child in her family) to be with her.

By January 2011, Mata ji got sicker. Lack of physical movements took a toll on her health. She grew week, and ultimately was confined to bed. Agam took good care of his grandmother as did my eldest son Ashish and his wife Madhu. But the old woman, now 93, longed to see her son she loved the most among her 7 children.

And, here I was, stuck in work. The Indian Panorama was in competition with many other desi newspapers, some with enormous resources, and it required truly hard and dedicated work to survive. With my eyes fixed on the New Year edition, which for all desi newspapers is an occasion to rake in a few extra dollars and draw the attention of the community, I said to myself: “Well, Agam is there looking after Mata Ji. Let me finish with the New year edition, and then the Republic Day edition towards the end of January, I will then have enough time to spend with her.”

I told Mata ji about my travel plans. She listened calmly, and then commented: “You will have something important coming up again after the Republic Day”. I assured her that nothing would stop me from visiting her after I was done with the Republic Day.

Now, the month of April is significant for the Sikhs. Around the middle of April falls the Vaisakhi, which is the day of creation of Khalsa (birthday of the Sikhs) by Guru Gobind Singh in 1699. It is a great occasion, celebrated with enthusiasm in the great City of New York when the Sikh community from adjoining States throngs in thousands to participate in an iconic Sikh Day Parade. As any other newspaper publication having readership among the Sikh community, views the historic event as an opportunity to promote itself, The Indian Panorama also saw and wished to exploit the opportunity. So, I decided that I will visit India in May. Why in May? One, I will be comparatively free until June end, and will be able to spend more time with Mata ji. Two, May 8 happens to be my wedding day, and I will be with the family to recall the wonderful day the family spent together when my wife was alive. By the way, my wife, Gurdarshan Kaur, who married me for love in 1977, died fighting multiple ailments in 2007, while I was away in the US.

So, to Mataji’s question somewhere in January 2011 when I was planning a visit home, I said that my visit was delayed and that I would see her in May. I vividly remember her disappointment. She was silent for a while, and then said, “As you like it. Stay blessed”.  I could understand her pain. I tried all verbal jugglery and sophistry to convince her that it was a genuine compulsion for me to delay my trip to India, and that I would certainly see her in May. She listened calmly. She did not interrupt me in my long explanation, and assurances that I would soon be seeing her in May. And then, she said, it is January, and you want to visit me in May. How many months? Do you call it soon? I may not be here when you come. I know you will come but only after I am gone”.

Till today, I haven’t forgotten her words. She must have felt cheated when I did not join her in early May. My hollow promises to visit her could not provide her any more oxygen. She lost hope and the desire to breathe. She decided it was an endless wait. So, on May 2, 2011, she bade goodbye to the world.

Mata ji, I haven’t forgiven myself for causing you disappointment and pain. Sometimes, I feel, I am responsible for forcing you into yourend. Please forgive me. You loved me so much. You have been my mother and my God. I miss you, and that’s why I often turn to your portrait hung above the headboard of my bed, and speak with you, and I believe, you hear me as patiently as you did when I told you I would come soon, but now you don’t answer. You don’t say any more “I know you will come after I am gone” You were so prophetic. But let me tell you, and very honestly this time, that though I am not sure when, I will certainly come and see you.

 Love you Mata ji.