NEW YORK (TIP): Psychotherapist Lesley Koeppel, author of How to Be the “Perfect” Mother-in-Law: A Lighthearted Guide for Moms of Married Sons, believes a healthy mother-in-law relationship doesn’t require two people to become best friends or for a daughter-in-law to find a “second mother.” It requires something more realistic: mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and an understanding that everyone is trying to find their place in a new family dynamic.
Whether you’ve got a great relationship with your M-I-L, or admit there is room for improvement, National Mother-in-Law Day is an opportunity to recognize the important role a mother-in-law can play while also acknowledging that the healthiest relationships are built, not assumed. During an interview/segment, Koeppel can share five tips that work for honoring the mother-in-law while building a relationship with her:
Remember that this is the woman who helped shape the person you love: Your spouse’s mother was part of the process that helped shape the person you chose to marry. You don’t have to agree with everything she does or see her as a second mother to appreciate the role she played in your spouse’s life.
A good mother-in-law can become one of your family’s greatest allies: A supportive mother-in-law can show up when you need an extra set of hands, celebrate your milestones, share family history, and love your children. For the mother-in-law, that support is most valuable when it comes without strings attached. The goal is to create a relationship where everyone knows they can count on one another.
Your mother-in-law may be the keeper of a family history you didn’t grow up knowing: Your mother-in-law may know the stories, traditions, recipes, photographs, and family memories that help explain where your spouse came from. Instead of seeing those differences as intrusions, see them as an opportunity to learn more about the person you love and the family you’re now part of.
She doesn’t have to become your “second mom”: Not every mother-in-law relationship needs to become a mother-daughter relationship, and that’s okay. The goal is to create a healthy adult-to-adult relationship based on respect, warmth, and genuine connection. The healthiest relationship is the one where both people appreciate each other without trying to force a closeness that doesn’t feel natural.
The best mother-in-law knows that love doesn’t require control: She can offer advice without insisting it be followed. She can be involved without taking over. She can have opinions without making them obligations. She can love her son or daughter deeply while respecting the marriage and family they have created. Ultimately, she can love her family without trying to manage it.
Koeppel backs her heartfelt advice by adding, “A great mother-in-law doesn’t try to become the most important woman in her child’s life. She learns how to become an important woman in the life of the family her child has created.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lesley Koeppel, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with more than 30 years of experience helping individuals and families navigate serious health challenges and life’s most complicated relationships. In her New York City private practice, she has counseled countless women whose personal struggles often reveal unspoken tensions between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. As a therapist and mother-in-law herself, Koeppel brings compassion, humor, a direct approach, and clarity to a subject routinely joked about but rarely explored honestly in her debut book.
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